What Hurts the Most
by LadybugGirl7068
Summary: Raph is angry. No, He's furious. And he doesn't even know why, but can't bring himself to care. (mentions of character death)
1. Chapter 1

'blah blah' **= thoughts. Enjoy. Don't own, never will.**

Raph was angry. No, not just angry. He was furious. He was furious at his family for not being furious, he was furious at the world for how it kept on moving, he was even furious at the sun for shining everyday. But most importantly, he was absolutely, no doubt about it, downright loathing himself for feeling that way. And he wasn't sure why.

Currently, the red-banded turtle was sitting on an abandonded aparment building, leaning up against the fire exit door.

Car alarms blared, dogs barked, and sirens wailed. Someone screamed in the distance, and Raph found himself not caring. Why should he? It wouldn't make any difference. Sure, he could go and beat the everliving shit out of some low life criminals, but it wouldn't bring his big brother back. Nothing would.

It wasn't like he could get up and beat up a building. Intimidate some smoke. Kick some ashes to death. Punch a piece of metal until it begged for mercy. He couldn't do any of those things.

So here he was, alone, in the rain, with no one to care enough to scold him for it. Raph, the big, tough, don't take shit from no one, was alone. Just sitting, cold, in the rain, waiting for the familiar blue to come around and lecture him for running off for the fifth time that week when it had only been a two day week so far.

He gave a bitter, hollow laugh. 'I hear ya Fearless. But I'm not moving until your sorry ass shows up and kicks me back home.'

Raph's laugh turned into a small cry. If he had the chance, he would have traded his life for Leo's any day.

He sniffled. 'Don't go and catch a cold, now, Raph.' A three fingered hand dragged itself across his face. Thunder boomed in the distance, and Raph slowly stood up. He had been out there for a few hours now. Splinter and the two brothers he had left might start to worry. Not like there was anyone willing to come out and even try looking for him.

It was then Raph realized that Leo cared. He cared far more than he had given him credit for. No one else even tried looking for him when he ran off. It was all Leo. All because he cared. And what had Raph done? Cursed him for it. Insulted him. Basically treated him like crap. All because he cared when no one else wanted to.

Raph pushed himself off of the wall he had been leaning on. The rain had gotten heavier. It mixed on his mask with the tears that decided to show up.

He turned his head towards the sky, and screamed. He fell to his knees, feeling more helpless than ever.

Raph was furious. And what scared him the most, was that he didn't even know why. And yet, not one part of him seemed to care.

From above, Leo looked down and cried with his brother, knowing the red turtle would join him soon.

 **Kinda anti-climactic there, I know. I've been feeling angsty. There. Hope you cried, doubt you did. It's good for the soul. Anything I need to fix or work on with this, tell me. Otherwise it's complete. You can thank Rascal Flatts' 'What Hurts the Most' for this. So yeah. Night.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, yeah I didn't expect to be writing more on this either. BUT someone asked me to in a very nice review (which I appreciate oh so very much) SO here I am.**

 **Kinda a happier ending, focuses more on the rest of the family. Still angsty, but with a less foreboding ending.**

 **Still don't own, blah blah blah. Enjoy!**

Raph returned to the lair soaking wet. He doubted it mattered, no one would scold him for it anyways. Master Splinter was always holed up in his room all day, only appearing to grab something to eat.

Sometimes Raph thought of telling him off, that he wasn't the only one going through a hard time. He always punched a wall right after, as his own punishment for even considering something so cruel. No one would ask him why his fist was bleeding. All they did was help him bandage it.

Tonight, before he left that rooftop, he punched a brick wall. Raph didn't know how many times he did it, he lost count after fifteen. These would definitely need stitches, and he knew he would have to ask for help. It was hard to keep a needle steady, especially with both hands split open.

Splinter was automatically out. Both Mikey and Donnie would be able physically, but Raph didn't know how they would handle another hurt older brother.

'Just wing it. Who cares, right?' Raph chuckled. 'Great. I'm talking to myself now. Good job at handleing everything, buddy. Everyone's gonna think you're crazy.'

'Sometimes insanity is the proper response to reality.' The darker side of his mind piped up.

"Oh yeah, now it's a party." Raph didn't know he'd said that out loud until Mikey slowly looked over at him from the couch.

"What makes what a party?" The youngest of the four, no, three, turtles didn't bother to speak up. That's all he did thse days, sit in front of the TV and mumble a response any time anyone tried talking to him, which wasn't often.

Raph forced a small smile to hide the guilt he was feeling for pushing them all away.

"It's nothing Mike. Just thinking out loud."

Mikey nodded slightly and turned back around.

It was then Raph noticed how much his hands were bleeding. They were dripping blood onto the floor, a small pool gathering just from standing there for a minute. He decided to ask for help. Something he always avoided, even when he was seriously hurt.

'That was when Leo would drag you to Donnie's lab, no matter what time. He tsked all the way there. Remember?' Raph huffed. Ok. Now his own thoughts were betraying him.

He cleared his throat. "Hey, uh, Mikey?"

Said younger turned all the way around, actually looking interested for the first time since... that.

"Yeah Raph? Do you need something?"

The red-banded turtle continued staring at the floor. That blood puddle was getting bigger with every second.

He drew in a sharp breath. "Yeah, yeah I do, actually."

Mikey got up and walked over, still staring at Raph, but he made no move to interrupt.

Raph continued, refraining from just walking away and saying to forget it.

"I, um. I punched a wall." He brought up his bloody fists for Mikey to see, who gasped in return.

He hurried forwards and hovered his hands over Raphs, like he wished they would heal just from pure willpower. "Raph, you need stitches, just let me go get Don, I'm sure he can fix you up right away, give me one minute, I'll be right back-"

Raph grabbed his youngest brother's arm before he could take off. "No, it's ok Mike. I don't want to cause a fuss. It's not even that bad, I mean, I would stitch 'em up myself, it's just... I can't exactly hold a needle." A nervous chuckle escaped him.

Mikey looked into his brother's eyes briefly before Raph turned away. "Ok. It's ok. I'll go get the first aid kit. Be right back, just go sit in the kitchen. You know how Donnie is about blood on the couch." That got Raph to laugh a little before he realized that Don didn't care. Not anymore.

He nodded and headed for the kitchen while Mikey went the other direction.

As Raph sat down in his seat, he looked over at the empty chair next to him. The chair that would remain empty for the rest of its little wooden life.

He didn't notice when Mikey returned. He only looked up when his younger brother wiped the tears off of his cheeks. He hadn't noticed when they started to fall either.

Raph swallowed and pulled away, wiping his face with his arm. He glanced in Mikey's direction and held out his hands.

Mikey gasped again as he grasped the right one. "Raph... this goes down to the bone..."

His hot-headed brother sniffed. "Yeah. So what?"

Mikey sighed softly and shook his head. Once Raph's walls went up, there was almost no getting them down. The only one who could get him to open up was Leo. No. Had been Leo.

Pushing those thoughts forcefully from his mind, Mikey went through cleaning, stitching, and wrapping his older brother's hands. When they were done, Raph muttered a thanks and went to his room. 'Back to the usual, then.'

He walked over to his spot on the couch and sat down, falling asleep soon after.

* * *

When Donnie woke up, he smelled antiseptic in the lair. Meaning one of his brothers had been hurt, and he hadn't helped them.

'Just add that to the list of uselessness.' He thought.

Deep down, he knew he was wrong to think that. Deep down, he knew something had to give, something had to change with his family. But that was deep, deep down. On the surface, all he wanted to do was lay there and do... nothing. Because that was what he thought he was good for. Nothing.

April came by everyday, to make sure they were eating, getting their exercise for the day. Donnie wondered how she could even get up in the morning. He envied her secret.

He hadn't seen Raph all week, though he suspected his now only older brother was the one who got himself hurt. Mikey came in sometimes, usually to drop off some food and say a quick greeting before he left.

Master Splinter... he wasn't even going to start on him. His Sensei was nearly as bad as he was at socializing nowadays. And that was saying something.

Someone knocked on his door, jolting Donnie from his thoughts. No one came by at this time, not even Mikey. To say the least, he was surprised when he saw a flash of red peek through the door.

"Raph? What are you-" He coughed to clear his throat. "Doing here?"

Raph stepped into the room and walked over to where Don was sitting. He pulled up a chair of his own and turned it around before sitting down.

"We're worried about you Don. You haven't been out of your lab for weeks! Not since..." He trailed off, not wanting to finish that sentence.

Don straightened up in his chair, getting the height advantage over his older brother. It was supposed to seem intimadating. Raph didn't bat an eye.

"Well, what do you want me to do, Raph! Just go out there and pretend everything is ok!? Act like Leo is still walking around? Because if you think that, you're crazy and I'm still out of my mind." Raph swallowed and set his jaw, but didn't make any move to get up or reply. The angry fire in Donnie went out and he sighed, leaning back.

"I can't look at anything without associating it with him, you know? Everywhere I look, his ghost is haunting me, and I don't even know what it wants. Maybe if I had just checked the stability of the building to begin with, he would still be here and I wouldn't feel like this, like there's this giant... hole in my chest that can't be filled with anything. I don't know if I can go on like this anymore, if I lost anyone else right now I know I would just end it all right now-" His rambling was interrupted by a swift hug from his older brother.

Donnie could feel himself crying. His body shook with every sob, stifled or not. And when Raph pulled away, Don was shocked to see the tears on that red bandana.

Unconciously, he reached up and wiped them away. He was even more shocked when Raph let him.

When Donnie was done, Raph pulled back and stood up. Don watched as his brother reached into his right sai holder and pulled out something metal. Raph turned sideways so he couldn't see, running his fingers over it. Slowly, the red-banded turtle turned back to face Donnie. He tossed his younger brother what he had been holding.

Donnie fumbled it before holding the object in both hands. He gasped and quickly put it on the table before standing up to get away from it. Raph sat back down in his chair and stared at the thing on his desk with an empty expression.

Donnie pointed at it. "R-raph?"

Said turtle didn't move or reply, just kept staring.

Don swallowed before continuing. "Is that... is that what I think it is?" His voice was barely over a whisper.

Raph's stare held. "Yeah. Yeah Donnie. That's a gun."

Donnie inhaled deeply. "Wh-why? Why do you have it?'' He knew from the moment the question left his lips he wasn't going to like the answer.

Raph stood up and turned his chair around to sit the proper way. He moved his hand over his face before looking up at his younger brother. "I have that, Donnie, because tonight I was going to the highest building I could find, and I was going to blow my brains out."

Donnie choked back a sob. "Does- does Mikey know? Did anyone know?"

Raph turned his gaze to the door. "Mikey knows now. He's right behind the door. You can come in, you know. And no, Don, I didn't tell anyone."

Mikey opened the door and walked in, tears streaming down his face. "R-raphie, we ne- need you! We need you he- here!" He ran over and buried his face in Raph's shoulder as Donnie hugged his arm on the other side.

"Mikey's right Raph. I don't think any of us could handle losing another older brother. One is enough for a lifetime. But two? That's enough to push us all over the edge."

Raph sniffled. "I know... I know... I'm sorry, I just don't know what else to do. Neither of you will talk. This is the first time we've all been together in the same room since Leo's funeral. Master Splinter... who knows what he does in that room of his."

He laughed bitterly. "Truth is, I wasn't even sure you'd notice if I was gone... I came in here to say goodbye..."

Mikey looked up teary expression. "Raph... we can't live without you. If you were gone... I know for a fact that our family would fall apart, even more than it already has." His small laugh was choked with tears. "And, I don't mean to look a gift horse in the mouth... but what stopped you?"

Raph looked up and opened his eyes at his smallest brother before turning them to look at Donnie. "Truth is, when Donny-boy here was talking about losing someone else and how if that happened he would end it all, I decided that I couldn't let anyone die because I was being selfish. I'm not the only one suffering because of this. We all are. And I'm not saying we will ever get over what happened, I'm saying we need to stop whatever the hell this is now. I don't know what this is, but I do know it is not what Leo would have wanted."

Mikey and Donnie nodded.

Donnie gave a small smile to his two brothers. "You're right Raph. Something does have to change. I say we clean up the lair and get something to eat. Mikey, go call Antonio's. I'll get the brooms and trash bags. Raph... you do whatever."

Mikey saluted and walked out to find a phone. He had smashed his against the wall earlier that week out of saddness and anger. He'd ask Donnie to fix it later.

Don followed his brother out to find the cleaning supplies.

The only turtle left in the room smiled after them. As soon as he was sure they were gone, he looked in the direction of Donnie's desk. More importantly, the handgun that was lying on top.

He got up slowly and walked over to it. Hovering his hands over the gun as if it would burn him, he clenched his fists and banged them against the top of the desk before splaying his hands and leaning on them with all of his weight.

Raph closed his eyes tightly. He didn't regret telling his brothers, in fact, he felt almost releived to have it out there. The great, strong Hamato Raphael, was the oldest now. He had to be strong, for his brothers. There was no role model Leo there for them to look up to. They had to settle for a hot-head.

But he would stay. For them. He would take up responsibility. For everything.

But what hurt the most, was that his big brother wasn't here to see it.

* * *

A few days later, three green figures could be seen exiting a sewer. They ran across rooftops until they reached an old fallen building. Digging a small hole, Raph placed the gun inside before drenching it with kerosene. They left right after he threw down the lit match.

* * *

Leo smiled through his tears. A genuine smile. They were going to be alright.

"It's ok, Raph. I'm here. I will never leave you. Never again."

 **And that ends that!**

 **I have no intention of writing more of this... starting... now. Complete, that's it. Hope ya'll liked it. Goodnight everybody!**


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